The death of my father

When I was 15 years old, my father died of a heart attack. Until that day, he had never had any health problems. He always worked a lot. That is why no one imagined that he would die suddenly at the age of 43. This was a huge blow to my family.

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After that, I was very sad. But, over time, that sadness gradually eased, and life went on without him. Then, in my heart, a new and strange feeling was born, like a mixture of anger and impatience. I do not know if that anger was against life or against death, or perhaps against God, although at that time I still did not know him.

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My father's existence had been very important to me. But, although he had died, the world continued as if nothing had happened. His job was taken by someone else, and the business continued without him. And also us, his family, although at first we suffered a lot, over time, we got used to his absence. And I wondered: “what does life mean? Is it worth living? Total, whatever I do, I have to die someday. So isn't it better to live having as much fun as possible?"

On the other hand, this experience gave me impatience, and the desire to do something great in this life. Since I could die at any moment, when death came to me, I didn't want to regret anything. I wanted to live a life that fulfilled me. But what was that life? I didn't have the answer.

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The search

Anyway, one day, reading a book written by a feminist, I found a phrase that said "Let's live being true to ourselves." This sounded great to me. Immediately, I put that motto into practice. That is, I began to live doing what I wanted. I set myself a goal, and I worked hard to achieve it. Studies, jobs, money, home, car, travel, fashion, hobbies, partner, etc. This world offers many things. But nothing and no one could give me that satisfaction and happiness that I wanted so much. Maybe I felt good when I achieved something. But that feeling was too short-lived. And it wasn't just that, the worst of all was that feeling of emptiness and loneliness afterwards. And because of that, I soon had to come up with another goal to fill that void. Each time the objectives were bigger and more difficult. Then the satisfaction was greater, but so was the emptiness and loneliness afterwards. I went out for drinks frequently, and I went out with boys all the time, because I didn't want to feel lonely.

When I was 18 years old I started learning flamenco dance at an academy in Tokyo. For me it was another goal. The following year, I decided to get into dancing more seriously, dropped out of college, and started working to save money. Four years later, with that money, I came to Spain for the first time to get to know authentic flamenco and learn dance. My plan was to stay here 3 months nothing more. Learn 3 or 4 dance numbers and then go back to my country. But what happened is that the flamenco dance here was so deep that I didn't want to go back to Japan and I decided to stay longer. Soon, I met a Spaniard and started living with him. He is my husband now.

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Life here was not easy for me, because I didn't speak much Spanish and I didn't have a lot of money. And besides, everything was very different from my country. It took me a lot of work to adapt. And living with my husband was also difficult. But I didn't care, because I was dedicated to the dance. So I rehearsed very hard every day to get a better dance.

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I lived like this for about 4 and a half years. One day I received an invitation to dance on a stage in my country. I accepted, and took the opportunity to spend a few weeks with my family. But there I had to face another death. That time it was my aunt's turn. His death and the fragility of life struck me again.

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I went back to Spain. Lately I had the idea of doing my own show in Japan. Again the impatience and anger that arose from my aunt's death pushed me to do so. After a lot of effort, the following year I premiered my show in Japan. I put all my energy into it, and in the end, it was all successful. That night I felt a great satisfaction like I had never felt before. She was so proud of what she had done. And I received several job offers as a dancer or as a teacher in Japan. But I wanted to continue living with my husband in Spain. So I turned them all down and came back to this country.

The vacuum

As always, the satisfaction did not last long. I felt a great emptiness like I had never experienced. I had a hard time starting rehearsals again. I no longer felt like dancing. So much sacrifice and effort for such a short time of glory. I was tired of life.

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One day, when I was reluctantly rehearsing, I hurt my foot. I went to specialist doctors from 4 different hospitals here and in Japan. It turned out that she could no longer dance. On the one hand, it was difficult to accept this situation, but on the other hand, I was relieved to have an excuse to leave the life I was leading. My life no longer made sense. But I didn't look any further. I thought I would go with the flow and if there was no other choice, I would kill myself.

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Now he had plenty of time. And I remembered that I had wanted to study the Bible for a long time, but had never done it. So, after visiting the doctors in Japan, I went to a Japanese bookstore to buy some books to help me study the Bible, but there I found lots of books on philosophy, psychology, and religions that seemed more interesting. There were also books on Zen meditation, supernatural powers, and spirits from beyond.

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I ended up buying like 2 big cardboard boxes of those books so I brought them here and read them day after day. Again I left the study of the Bible for later.

The crisis

One of those days, suddenly, I had a very strong pain in my chest. I couldn't even breathe. I thought it was a heart attack and that I was going to die right then like my father. I was very scared of death. As my husband rushed me to the ER, I unconsciously repeatedly asked God to forgive me. It is very curious, because I was an atheist, and I had never been afraid of death. But, although until then I had not wanted to admit it, when I felt it up close, I discovered that deep down I feared it, because I knew that God existed and that he would judge my sins.

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With an injection and pills, the attack subsided. Apparently I fell asleep in the hospital and before I knew it I was lying on the couch at home. This was the beginning of the worst stage of my life. Because from that day, the attacks were repeated without being able to know the cause. The doctors did not find any physical disease in me. I couldn't even leave the house, I couldn't be alone, because I didn't know when the next attack was going to hit me. A short time later, this was complicated by depression and a nerve problem as well.

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Every time I had an attack I thought I was really going to die and I trembled with fear. I even believed that evil spirits were after me, and I bought medals and pictures of virgins to protect myself. So it took me a year and a half to find out what I had. They were panic attacks and anxiety.

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With each attack the fear of death and the sense of guilt increased. To the people with whom I was able to contact, I confessed how badly I had behaved with them and asked for their forgiveness. But that did not ease my conscience. I couldn't erase the facts. I needed to know what there was after death, and if there really was a God or not. If there was punishment, she needed to be forgiven. But how? I cried out in my heart many times: "God, please teach me if you really exist and how I can be forgiven!"

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Most Japanese say they are Buddhist. But they only maintain Buddhist customs and rituals, and they are actually atheists. My father was also one of them, but he liked the environment and the Christian education, and he made me study in a Christian institute. Still, I thought that Christianity was also a religion invented by men. That is why I did not seriously consider the existence of God. But the Bible had something different, something that appealed to me. Perhaps for this reason, if there really was a God, for me, it was the God of the Bible. I couldn't take it anymore and decided to go to Japan to visit a pastor I knew and ask him what the Bible said about what happens after death.

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The Encounter

When buying the plane ticket, the agency asked me for a resident certificate. And, to get it, I went to the police headquarters. There was a long queue there, as usual. Behind me, a family stood that piqued my interest. They were a couple, a girl, a boy, and an old woman. The husband looked Japanese and the wife Spanish. The children spoke Japanese. Just looking at them, I noticed that they had something different, perhaps an atmosphere of purity. And that gave me a very good impression and curiosity. I asked the woman what her husband did for a living and it turned out he was a missionary! They were a missionary family that had just arrived from Japan to speak about God in Spain. I was so shocked that I started crying. Was it just a coincidence? Well no!

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God extended his hand to me through them. The Good Shepherd had found a lost sheep. God existed! He listened to me and answered me! I explained to them that I was looking for a pastor and so I was preparing to go to Japan because I urgently needed to know about the Bible. They were also surprised. We gave each other phone numbers and arranged to meet again to talk. I remember that on the way back home I felt great relief, like that of a baby in its mother's arms, and I couldn't stop crying with emotion.

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The Good News (The Gospel)

That missionary is the current pastor of the church where I go now. He explained to me what the Bible says about what happens after death. He said that there is a judgment of God and that we have to be eternally punished in hell for the sins we have committed in this life. Because we are all sinners, so we all deserve to go to hell. But he also told me about Jesus Christ and his death on the cross. He is the Son of God who came to this world, to die on the cross bearing all our sins. God loves us so much that instead of punishing us, he punished his own Son. And after dying, Jesus rose again. It was the plain truth. An actual fact. It was not some story that men invented, as I had believed. There are many tests that can prove it.

The Salvation

At that very moment I believed this fact and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and my Savior.  At last I was forgiven and freed from the suffering of guilt. I was no longer afraid of death, although I still had seizures. That was when I was 29 years old.

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18 years later, when I was 46, I was hospitalized for a stroke, but at that point I was no longer afraid of death. but, instead, I had peace in my heart.

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It has been 28 years since I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. Until now, I have never regretted believing in Him, on the contrary, I always end up thanking Him for His Love, His guidance and everything I receive from Him. My life has changed a lot for the better. I wholeheartedly recommend that you please seek God and be saved.

Thank you.

December, 2021

Sachiyo Konuma